Rant of the Day- “The Passion of Motherhood”
(you may not want to read this..)
You know what the most common thing I hear when i sit down to give free financial consultations with mothers is? (both single and married)
“I wish I could find a way to do [x] one day but I don’t see a way to do that because I have kids.”
Let me explain something to you real quick. First thing we need to kill is this use of “but what if you have kids” mentality that so many of us have. To set the record straight, you don’t “have” any kids – you MADE freakin kids. You yourself made the conscious choice to birth children. Noone gave you 4 kids and noone plotted to ruin your financial life by dropping off a basket of little people who look just like you on your front porch. This was a SELF MADE CHOICE. I’m not talking about getting pregnant, I’m talking about actually having the kids.
And yes in all of this miscalculation, the father is to blame as well but we need to be honest with ourselves – >;;>;;you<;;<;; are the gatekeepers. Nothing comes out of those doors without your consent. And don't for a moment forget that and try to play victim a few years after you've figured out raising multiple kids is 9 times harder than you assumed.
Now, for those of you fuming mad while reading this -hear me out. Everything I say on here is coming from a place of compassion. I'm not trying to tear you down but instead to allow you to see the big picture in all its clarity so that you can finally begin to put together some of the pieces that are your life. And that big picture is this: the moment you made those kids and the moment you made that pact, you started yourself down a path to a realization of what you are truly made of. The realization that you are one of the following two types of mothers there generally are in this world. Type B, a young mother who had a slim idea of what you were getting yourself into but mainly chose to have kids after bowing to society influence. Maybe it was your husband/boyfriend, family, tv or simply because you began to see all of your friends becoming mothers and felt you were being left behind. Once you did so, you set yourself up for the surprise of your life once you began to realize this whole motherhood thing was much more than you previously thought. But now you struggle to find the balance in between your dreams and your responsibilities – financially and emotionally providing for your kids.
Then there are the type As, the mothers who truly in their souls wanted to have kids and be their everything, raise them right and guide them with or without help from anyone. One part because of the benefit for the child and one part because of your own self interest to actually be mothers. In Psychology 101 we call your motive non-altruistic and while I could explain in more depth, I'll leave that one for you to look up on your own time. But know that noone on earth does anything 100% selfless and only for the benefit of other people.
So what does all of this have to do with being able to pursue your passions? Because until you realize you're a mom type A or a mom type B, you're always going to be confused in career, priorities, love, purpose and how all of it interacts with your kids.
So what I need you to do now is take a cold hard look at the truth, stop being complacent, figure out if you're type A or type B and deal with the facts of whatever one you find to be true.
If you are type B and you had kids because…. well…thats just what people do and everyone around you was doing so then you must understand something harsh. You will forever be miserable until you balance out your motherly duties with the passions you were attracted to before childbirth. You MUST pursue your non offspring passions at genuine degree or you will be responsible for making the lives of everyone you come in contact with miserable. Yes, including your kids at some point in their lives.
If you are mom type A, then I need you to go full steam ahead in being that everything for those kids -both mentally, physically & financially – until college age. Why? Because they have just BECOME your passion and purpose. Period. No I'm not saying you can't attend a Bingo night or sing at church if thats what you're also interested in. What I'm saying is when that scale tips over into your passions becoming more important than your child rearing then you are no longer a type A. Type As will also never put their financial obligations to their family on hold or neglect their financial well being to pursue a passion/purpose that doesn't 100% pertain to their kids.
I know it sounds harsh but not all love is equal across the board and deep down you know this to be true. I just may have been the first one to discuss it publicly.
With that being said, I leave you with the short version: in trying to prioritize your financial goals passions and purpose, you have to figure out where your priorities in life may lay. For example, can you seriously neglect your income to pursue your passions knowing they are currently unpaid and still love your kids? Ofcourse. But know when you put anything above your kids' well being then you have stepped into type B territory. And this doesn't necessarily make you a bad person but you ultimately need to be honest with yourself so you don't live a lie.
Some mothers believe they were put here for kids, some believe they were put here for other things but had kids to please people and then there are those struggling in the middle. Those struggling in the middle living a facade are normally those who fail at both.
Sh*t happens. Make a choice. And long live Type As AND Type Bs.