You know what the most common thing I hear when i sit down to give free financial consultations with mothers is both single and married?
“I wish I could find a way to do [x] one day but I don’t see a way to do that because I have kids.”
Let me explain something to you real quick. First thing we need to kill is this use of “but what if you have kids” mentality that so many of us have. Lets set the record straight, you don’t “have” any kids – you MADE freakin kids. You yourself made the conscious choice to birth children. Noone gave you 4 kids and noone plotted to ruin your financial life by dropping off a basket of kids on your front porch. This was a SELF CHOICE. And yes in all of this miscalculation, the father is to blame as well but we need to be honest with ourselves - you are the gatekeepers. Nothing comes out of those doors without your consent. And don’t for a moment forget that and try to play victim a few years after you’ve figured raising multiple kids is 9 times harder than you assumed.
When you CHOSE to birth kids (while you were broke), you actually took the time to make two things -1 of which was a human life. The second was a pact in blood that said you would stop at no length to provide for these kids as these kid’s lives and well being are now even more important than your own. If you made only one of these things I just named then you can stop reading this now. This rant isn’t for you as you’re the type who probably leaves your kids in the car while you party at club aura every Friday night.
Now, for the rest of you fuming mad while reading this -hear me out. Everything I say on hear is coming from a place of compassion. I’m not trying to tear you down but instead to allow you to see the big picture in all its clarity so that you can finally begin to put together the puzzle that is your life. And that big picture is this: the moment you made those kids and the moment you made that pact, you started yourself down a path to discover what you are truly made of. The realization where you found out that you are one of the two following two types of mothers- Type A, a young mother who had a slim idea of what you were getting yourself into but mainly chose to have kids after bowing to society influence. Maybe it was your husband/boyfriend, family, tv or simply because you began to see all of your friends becoming mothers and felt you were being left behind. And once you did so, you set yourself up for the surprise of your life once you began to realize this whole motherhood thing was much more than you previously thought. But now you struggle to find the balance in between your dreams and your responsibilities – financially and emotionally providing for your kids.
Then there are the type Bs, those mothers who truly in their souls wanted to have kids and be their everything, raise them right and guide them with or without help from anyone. One part because of the benefit for the child and one part because of your own self interest to actually be mothers. In psychology 101 we call this non-altruistic and while I could explain in more depth, I’ll leave that one for you to look up on your own time. But know that noone does anything 100% selfless and for the benefit of other people.
So what does all of this have to do with being able to pursue your passions? Because until you realize youre a mom type A or a mom type B, you’re always going to be confused in career, priorities, love, passions and how all of it interacts with your kids.
So what I need you to do now is face the truth, stop being complacent, figure out if you’re type A or type B and deal with the facts of whatever one you find to be true.
If you are type A and you had kids because well…thats just what people do and everyone around you was doing so then you must understand something harsh. You will forever be miserable until you balance out your motherly duties with the passions you were attracted to before childbirth. You MUST pursue your passions to some degree or you will be responsible for making the lives of everyone you come in contact with- miserable.
If you are mom type B, then I need you to go full steam ahead in being that everything for those kids -both mentally, physically & financially – until college age because they have just BECOME your passion. Period. No I’m not saying you can’t attend a Bingo club or sing at church if thats what you’re also interested in, what I’m saying is when that scale tips over into your passions becoming more important than your child rearing then you are no longer a type B. A type B will never put their financial obligations to their family on hold to pursue their passions.
I know it sounds harsh but not all love is equal across the board and deep down you know this to be true. I just may have been the first one to discuss it publicly.
With that being said, I leave you with this. If you were half as mad at your own situation as you are with the person who just explained it to you, you and that person would have never had to have met in the first place.
www.BrassKnuckleFinance.com
(The short version: in trying to prioritize your spending you have to figure out where your priorities in life may lay. Can you neglect your income to pursue your passions whether they are paid or unpaid and still love your kids? Ofcourse.But know when you put anything above your kids’ well being then you have stepped into type A territory. And this doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person but you ultimately need to be honest with yourself and stop living a lie. )
The first personal finance class tailored specifically towards minorities is coming to the Yvonne Brathwaite Burke Ladera Community Center (4750 62nd Street, Los Angeles 90056) on June 24th ! This 7 week, in-depth class is free to the public with a purchase of a Brass Knuckle Finance physical copy ($9.99). Books will be available on site and are also available online.
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